LET'S move to the country, away from the town and all its noise and pollution. Somewhere like the Forest of Dean or Wye Valley, where it's peaceful and quiet, where the air is clean and pure. You can see the stars in the night sky and you wake up to the sound of bird singing. The butterflies float along over the wild flowers and the little voles and shrews go about their busy lives, rustling in the long grass.

We'll buy a nice cottage with a little bit of land. A paddock or an orchard or something. We'll do up the house a bit and have a nice big outbuilding to keep all our DIY stuff in. Oh yes, we'll have to buy a good lot of DIY kit. No, I don't have any particular jobs in mind, but there's bound to be something. Big powerful drill with a dozen attachments and a nice long extension lead so I can play with it out of doors. Sorry, I mean use it out of doors.

Then we can convert that scruffy old paddock or orchard or whatever it was into a nice big lawn. Wild flowers? Don't be silly. It's just weeds. Anyway those long rough bits are always infested with pests – creepy-crawlies and rodents. And a lawn looks so much tidier, just like our garden in town, only bigger. Bit of weed killer and fertiliser, and Bob's your uncle.

Then of course when we've got the couple of acres of lawn we'll have to have a nice big ride-on mower. The bigger the better. Mr Jones down the road's got a huge one and I'm blowed if I can't have one too. What's that? Noise? Well of course it is a bit noisy but that's not my fault is it? How else am I supposed to cut the lawn? Scissors?

Then we'll a strimmer of course, to tidy the edges and keep the weeds at bay, and a mechanical hedge trimmer. Shears? What are they? Nobody uses them any more, it's so old-fashioned. The trees will keep dropping leaves all over the lawn too, so we'd better get one of those leaf vacuum things. Rake? Do me a favour. Leave the leaves there for the worms to eat? You must be joking. Anyway I should hope there wouldn't be any worms left, after all the chemicals I'll be putting down.

Trees do persist in growing, too, so we'll have to keep them under control and I really don't think we can do without a chainsaw. Gets through that Leylandii in a few seconds. Yes, I know a bow saw would get through it in a quarter of a minute and it's better exercise and doesn't cause any pollution and costs less and you can hear the birds singing while you work, but you don't seem to understand that's not the point. When you've got a nice powerful bit of machinery roaring away in your hands you really feel you're getting the job done.

Well, and then we'll need to get rid of all those leaves and cut-down branches. Luckily the garden will be big enough to have a bonfire. As far away from our house as possible of course, over by the neighbours' fence near where they hang up their washing. What's that? Compost it? What do you take me for – some sort of greenie hippy type? And we might as well stick all that cardboard on the fire too, and those bin liners and whatever it is that's in them, and those bits of MDF from the house conversion, and those plastic tubs that had paint or varnish or wood stain or whatever it was in them. No, of course I'm not going to take it all to the public recycling place. It's too far to drive and I can't be bothered. I know it's a bit smelly and smoky, but it's OK, it'll blow towards the neighbours. No of course I don't think air pollution's a good idea. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't air pollution, it's a bonfire. Everyone has bonfires. It's traditional.

Then we'll get a dog. Or better still two dogs. Can't live in the country without a nice, big, friendly sort of a dog or two. For companionship and security. Of course you can have a friendly dog for security. Barking? Well all dogs bark. I don't see why it should annoy anyone and it's hard luck if it does, really. It's a natural sound. Mess? Well the poor dog's got to go somewhere, hasn't it?

We'll have a cat as well. A dear little kitty. Or two. It'll help to keep the mice down.

And talking of security, we really must get a nice big bright security light on the house – the sort that bathes two or three parishes in a glare like a concentration camp for half the night. Feel safe then. Yes, I know there's hardly any crime here but let's keep it that way. Stars? What do you want to look at stars for?

It'll be a great place for the kids. So good for them to grow up in the countryside, close to nature. Of course we can't really let them out of the garden – it just isn't safe these days. I know – let's buy them a go-kart or one of those mini motorbikes. They can drive it around the garden, they'll love that. No, I don't think it's too noisy. Neighbours? Why should they mind? It's only kids playing. They've got to play, haven't they?

There'll be time for all sorts of things when we're not working in the garden. I might find time and money for those flying lessons. Perhaps we could even afford one of those little microlight planes of our own. Must be great, circling around up there, looking down at the wonderful view. What? Annoying to people on the ground trying to get a bit of peace and quiet? Don't give me that.

No, of course I don't think any of this is destructive, antisocial or inconsiderate. So what if the wildlife has practically gone because we've ruined the habitat and whatever's left gets wiped out by cats. So what if you can't hear yourself think for miles around because of the noise of lawnmowers, electric tools, barking dogs, low-flying aircraft, motorbikes and chainsaws. So what if you can't see the Milky Way because the sky is lit up with artificial light. So what if you have to pick your way between piles of dog mess and anyway you can't go out of doors because of the clouds of poisonous smoke from bonfires. I think we should all just be thankful that life in the country these days isn't the hard work it used to be and you can have all the benefits of the modern world even in the most remote and idyllic places. – John Phillips, Pope's Hill.